Somehow, I am always in a hurry, always feeling behind.  The laundry of six people, food for the family, school, messes to be cleaned, clutter to be sorted…

I’ve known for years that what we become very good at whatever we practice.  What have I practiced?  What do I practice?  What did I practice today?

I tend to practice expectation – developing a mental list of what I expect of myself, the day, other people.

I practice judgment – when things/people/circumstances don’t meet my expectations.

I practice hurrying!  Get there faster!

I practice chaos.

I long for order, but my foundational practices don’t even give order a chance.  

All of this affects our community as a family.  If we are going to experience community, shouldn’t it start with family?  So, I’m starting to work on creating community at home.  I’ve never struggled to experience community outside the home – I’ve always been blessed to be surrounded by wonderful people.  But creating community inside our home (where I’m also surrounded by wonderful people!) has been a struggle for me.  So, I’m looking through new eyes at our home, our family, our interactions.  Re-prioritizing.  Re-evaluating.  Heading down a road I know He has had me on for a while…I was just so busy, I couldn’t see it.

God is working here, in me, in our home.  I know that.  Growth is not the easiest thing, but I’m trusting Him that the results of His work here will somehow point others to Him.

As I have processed the statement, however, I’ve become convinced that it is true.  For instance, when I am most frustrated with the kids, what does it boil down to?  Typically, it’s a failure to live up to my expectations.  Jenna gets a lot of this, being the oldest.  But it’s true for all of them.  Whether it’s a spill or setback of some kind that effects the schedule for the day or simply forgetting math facts that I know they can remember…I expect things to go a certain way, and when they don’t, I am frustrated, and in my frustration, I kill that moment rather than redeeming it.

Or what about marriage?  If I expect that my husband will spontaneously think of buying flowers or some other special gift, if/when he doesn’t, I become upset and frustrated with him for not doing something he didn’t even know was on my radar.  It’s unfair and unrealistic.  What expectations of his have I completely dropped the ball on, I wonder?

Expectations of self can be destructive, too, can’t they?  Expecting myself to be more than I am, expecting myself to be different than I am – both lead to sinful and destructive thinking based on a foundation of pride, really.

But the Big One, expectations of God, took some thinking.  Of course we can always expect God will be good.  He is good, after all.  We don’t always choose to recognize His goodness. Sometimes it’s hard to experience something and still say, “God is good.”  It’s easy to look at circumstances and question the goodness of His plan.  But I think it’s important to remember that His goodness spans all time and all places.  I tend to look at circumstances that I know, and no matter how “global” I think my vision is, I can never have vision and understanding like He has.  It would be like looking through a camera lens that was very focused on something small, like this:

When the whole picture contains much more than we can see in that focused frame.  Like this:

The first frame is so focused, it’s easy to see the smeared cheese puff residue.  But the same picture, zoomed out a little, gives a more balanced idea of reality.  I think it’s the same with the goodness of God.  As we zoom in, we lose perspective, but if we can zoom out, if we can believe that God is good, no matter what is going on,then we stop expecting God to behave in a certain way, and we can replace expectation with remembrance.  God has commanded us to remember.   He told the Israelites to set up  milestones – to help them remember what He has done for them.  He commands us when we take the Lord’s Supper (Or whenever we eat, really) to Remember.  This do in remembrance of me.  Not in expectation.  Remembrance.

When I make a point to remember His goodness, His faithfulness, His provision, His mercy, etc., it builds a bridge for faith to drive over.  My faith weakens every time I choose to expect – to say that I know what His goodness should look like.  But my faith will grow if I choose to remember what His goodness has looked like up till now.

It’s so easy to say something like, “We’ll just trust God for the outcome!”, yet as I look at myself, I know that I have, without really realizing it, set limits on what, precisely, I’m willing to say that about.  The hard things – the things that I am personally invested in, I’m not nearly as free to say it.  For instance, when I lose my patience with the kids, I am learning that this is evidence of my eyes on myself.  If I’m frustrated that they are disobeying, my focus is on the fact that I have been wronged, and I’m mad about it – it is hard to react with trust that God is working in our family, and my role is to trust Him first.  John 6:29 tells me that, basically, if I get nothing on my long to-do list done, but I trust God, I’ve had a successful day.  Conversely, if I get everything done on my to-do list, but don’t trust God…then the USS Kendi has plowed through another day, and probably left a violent and destructive wake behind.  ”The work of God is to trust and believe in the One He has sent.”  I must trust Him.   For everything, in all situations.  Not just salvation from sin.  But salvation from fear, from anxiety, from self-trust, from self-sufficiency and self-dependence.  Salvation from self-righteousness.  Salvation from self-importance.  Salvation from pride.

Bringing these two things together – this enormous task of raising children and the work of trusting God in all things - is not easy.  I wonder what it looks like, and like I said in my last post, I am tempted to call someone and ask, “What should I do?  Can I have a checklist to make sure I do it all right?”.  But that’s not the way it works.  I must keep my eyes on the Lord…keep the eyes of my mouth, the eyes of my hands, the eyes of my heart on the One Who has already provided all I need.  I need those faith-eyes that aren’t distracted by wanting to impress the people around me.  I long for those faith-eyes that follow, unquestioning, the path He marks out for me (even if people think I’m crazy).  And I am thankful for His never-ending patience.  In my failure, He teaches me, and draws me back to Himself.

God has been showing me lately that I am much quicker to go to a person for advice than I am to turn to Him.  I feel like I am reading a litmus test of my faith that reads too much acid, not enough Base.  It boils down to that, doesn’t it?  Advice from people, even Godly people, can be acidic, eating away at my faith in God.  For if I follow their advice readily, but forget to ask God, who already knows my question and obviously has the answer, then my faith in God erodes as my faith in people, in myself, builds up.  But if I turn to God first, then I my decisions are built on the Base of His omniscience and wisdom.  Faith is basic…but not simple.

We talk about trusting God, about following His leading.  I feel like those phrases have become almost cliche in Christian culture.  For what does it mean to really trust God?  What actions follow the heart-act of truly trusting God?  Isn’t the first action of that truly trusting and grateful heart to turn to Him with my questions?  I am camped out on 2 Peter 1:3 for a while:  ”…seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.”

He has given me everything I need for life!  This life filled with children, sports, school, and friends.  I have felt the Holy Spirit catch me so many times lately.  Sitting in Sunday school, a question comes to mind – is it possible for an adult woman to become more nurturing, or is the amount of nurturing tendency pretty much set? – and almost immediately, He gently reminds me, “With God, all things are possible, child!”  I am struggling with changing my style as a mom…wanting to shift the paradigm of our family philosophy from rule-followers to discipleship.  My immediate thought is of the first 3 people I’m going to email and ask what discipleship-parenting looks like, and how discipleship and parenting can be woven together.  Even as the thought enters my mind, He is there reminding me of His role – Father-discipler.  He has given me everything I need for life and godliness!   But I must look to Him, fix my gaze on Him, and let the rest fade to background.  As I am going to discipline, to disciple, my daughter who is trying to solve a sibling problem by picking the sibling up and turning her upside down, I must ask Him what this situation needs, rather than focus on this ridiculous act of sibling disagreement.

When I coach volleyball, I always remind the girls, “Keep your eye on the ball!  If you have to find the ball first, you won’t have time to react appropriately!”.  Isn’t this true of my faith-eyes, too?  That if my faith-eyes are fixed on anything but God, I won’t have the chance to find Him, fix my gaze on Him, and do the right thing.  My life will be a series of blind actions, done in hopes that it will all work out.

Faith in God is fixing my eyes on Him, then, isn’t it?  It is having faith that He has all I need, that He is all I need, He is enough.  Trusting God is realizing that when I keep my eyes on Him, He will give me what I need.  Gazing on Him with a grateful heart is waiting for Him to supply, and resisting the urge to look elsewhere for answers.

I am reading a book right now that is really challenging my behavioral patterns.  The book is very good, as far as content is concerned, although it is a chore for me to read, because it is so poetic and descriptive.  The author really wants the reader to read slowly and mull the words over, and this is something I’ve always struggled with.  You can ask my mom – she’ll tell you why I didn’t  like “A Tale of Two Cities”.  It was too descriptive.  When I read, I like to just get down to the necessary information, and this book makes you really slow down and find it.  But, it’s good!  I like it, and it’s a good exercise for me.  I lack patience, and this is helping me to work on that (as are the children!).  Plus, it’s teaching me about a life lived in thankfulness.  I feel a bit like I am hacking through a rainforest with a dull machete as I struggle through some of the questions that I have had to ask myself…

For instance, do I truly believe that God gives me enough?  Do I believe He has given me enough time?  Or do I wish I had more?  Do I believe He has given enough grace?  What does my wrestling with perfectionism say about that?  Do I believe that God always does good?  Can I come to Him in thanksgiving even when my flesh begs me to say “This isn’t right!”?  I will reflect on these questions, and work on learning what He has to teach me, and apply change to my behavior, with His help.

Time:  Does He give me enough time?  Surely, He does.  He ordained the days and nights.  There is nothing under the sun that He asks of me that I can’t get done (by His grace and power) in the amount of time He has given me.  Which begs the question, if I feel I don’t have enough time, am I doing more than He has asked me to do?  If the answer to that is yes, then I must ask myself if I have prayed and truly asked, and listened, for His direction concerning what I should do. If the answer is, “I ran out of time!”, then there is obviously a problem.  But, I don’t have to deal with it alone – He’s here, waiting to help me…if I can just remember to run to Him!  Behavior change is tough.

In the book I’m reading, she says that “hurrying is for amateurs”, and that resonates with me.  I don’t want to live my life as an amateur, always reflecting the face of a clock-god, counting down to whatever I’m late for.  As the the author of the book (Ann Voskamp) says, “We are on the edge of eternity…we are gaining time!”.  I want my life to reflect the glory and grace of the God who daily bears my burdens (why does He do this?!), the God who is filled with compassion by an earnest plea for healing, the God who saves, the God who is eternal.

But it seems that no matter how many “guiltless” activities we participate in, we still find something to feel guilty about, especially as moms.  Something still interrupts that peace we long for.

But look what the Lord says through Paul in Galations 1!  Grace be to you, and peace from God the Father and from our Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil world, according to the will of God and our Father.

Martin Luther, in his commentary on Galatians writes this:

The article of justification must be sounded in our ears incessantly because the frailty of our flesh will not permit us to take hold of it perfectly and to believe it with all our heart.

The greeting of the Apostle is refreshing. Grace remits sin, and peace quiets the conscience. Sin and conscience torment us, but Christ has overcome these fiends now and forever. Only Christians possess this victorious knowledge given from above.

Most days, the frailty of my flesh wins the battle, and I wind up feeling guilty about a multitude of things, not taking hold of that grace and peace which is God’s will in the life of His children.  Do you do that, too?  As children of the King, when we forget what we have access to – the fullness of His grace and peace – we begin to  sabotage our effectiveness in the kingdom.  Doubt and confusion set in.  Do you think it could be said that doubt and confusion are the opposite of Grace and Peace?  I think they might come close.

Luther asserts that Christians possess the victorious knowledge of Grace and Peace, and the One who supplies them plentifully.  However, we all know there’s a big difference between possessing knowledge of something and being affected (or quaked, as Tim Keller might say) by that knowledge.

Imagine:  Grace and Peace to follow Him, unquestioning.  Grace and Peace to cover our shortcomings (we all have them, you know!).  Grace and Peace amidst the everyday decision making.  Grace and Peace in the Big Decision making.  Grace and Peace prevailing in our relationships.

The question is not whether He has enough.

The question is…

Do we dare to be quaked by the Grace and Peace He offers?

You know how sometimes we can just see the Lord orchestrating some things in our lives to show us that it’s time for us to learn something?  That’s what has been happening with me in the last week.  Grab a cup of coffee (or in my case, a Pepsi), and I’ll tell you about it, perhaps He’s been doing something like this in your life, too!

About a year ago (I think) a book came out called The Reason For God.  It’s an apologetics book, and I read about it on another blog.  Anyway, I have been increasingly interested in reading this book, but it’s always gone from the library, and I haven’t sprung to buy it yet, not knowing whether I was going to like it or not.  So, about a week ago, the thought occurred to me, “Maybe I could listen to the author’s (Tim Keller) sermons online and get a feel for if I’m going to like the book or not!”, so I did.  I just chose a sermon out of the long list, it happened to be a sermon on Isaiah 6.  It was the most excellent sermon on Isaiah 6 I’ve ever heard.

Here were my biggest take-aways:

1)  The word glory comes from a Hebrew word that actually refers to weight.  Rev. Keller gives the example of something heavier than water being thrown into water.  What happens?  The water quakes.  It is displaced. It changes. When the Bible describes the glory of God coming down to earth, there is always and earthquake, because the weight of God is greater than that which He is entering.  When we come to understand God’s glory and it fills us, we will be changed.

2)  Isaiah was a smart, elite, proud man, and when the Lord filled the temple where he was, he quaked!  His only response was, “I am a man of unclean lips!”, because God had suddenly gone from concept to reality.  Isaiah always knew God was holy.  He always believed God was holy.  But the reality of God’s holiness hadn’t changed him until that moment.

3)  When that perception of God changed, when Isaiah finally experienced God as a reality, his response was first, true realization that he himself was part of the problem in the land; then absolute fear (he thought he was going to die); then understanding of the incredible gift of atonement; then finally, a turn to God and the cry, “Here I am!  Send me!”.  And that was before he heard what the assignment was!  Isaiah’s view of himself was destroyed, then reconstructed, in a moment, and he. was. changed.

whoa, whoa.

So, then, on Friday, I went to Bible study at church, and we are starting a new series.  Beth Moore’s Breaking Free.  And guess what scripture was part of our study?  You got it.  Isaiah 6 and Isaiah 54 (plus quite a bit of time in Judges 6-7).  And it was such a blessing to hear her talk about the same things, too!  It was interesting, because I had the framework of Rev. Keller’s sermon to attach the things Beth Moore was talking about, and things began to click.  Beth Moore talks about how when a person has the Holy Spirit working in their hearts, no one else can get in, like a lid shut tight on a jar.  Once we belong to God, no one else can possess us.  However, someone else can oppress us, and bring darkness into our lives for a time.  It is in these times of oppression that I have seen my self slip back into viewing God as a concept, not being changed or moved by Him, but merely acknowledging that He exists, while using my energy to please my wicked little heart.

But ultimately, the glory of God will quake whatever it fills, and not leave it as it was!

Can I get an Amen?!

And this is my prayer:  that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God…Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.

I can think of no more overwhelming prospect than following the Lord in living our lives so that the people God puts in our lives (our husbands, children, parents, siblings, friends, and even total strangers!) may have increased joy in the Lord because of his work through us.  And yet, again we are promised that through prayer, God can increase our love, which produces (among other things) joy!  Have you ever had one of those days where you felt like you just had no more love to give?  Maybe this only happens to me, but I think it must happen to others, too.  I can think of lots of times when I’ve felt like I’m just at the end of my rope – when my kids got to the point where they didn’t need naps anymore, I felt this way A LOT.  When my kids seem to forget something that they knew very well a few days ago, I begin to feel this way.  When I don’t accomplish the things on my to-do list, I feel this way.  When it seems like I spend the whole day pulling toothbrushes out of the toilet, cleaning syrup up off the floor, mud out of the carpet, and gum out of people’s hair, I feel very close to the end of my rope.  But watch what God says about people who are at the end of their rope:

Isaiah 9:3 The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.  You have enlarged the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before you as people rejoice at the harvest…

Hallelujah!

That’s why it is so important that we remember that God, in the muchness of all that He is, meets us there – at the end of our rope – and hands us His rope, giving us access to all of the wonderful strength, grace, wisdom, love, and joy that He possesses!   Psalm 19:8 says, The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.  The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.

We can take heart, lift our face, and go on with the work that has been given us each day, For this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide, even to the end. Psalm 48:14

We all have things that we worry about, times when we just shake our head and say, “I just don’t know what to do!”.  Maybe it’s schooling.  Maybe it’s a particular behavior issue you would like to address in your child.  Maybe it’s a particular behavior issue you’d like to address in yourself.  Maybe it’s a job decision, a home decision, family decision.  Maybe it’s something else entirely.

When we are struggling to find answers, there is good news we need to remember!   James 1:5 says, If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who giveth to all men liberally, without finding fault; and it shall be given to him.

He gives much wisdom when you have come to the end of what you know!  By the way, it’s my understanding that the type of prayer this passage is talking about is persistent, passionate prayer.  Prayer that is fervent and full of energy because we have come to the end of ourselves.  Few things in my life have brought me to the end of myself as quickly as my children do…

Much wisdom is necessary when your toddler is beginning to test his ability to be independent.  Wisdom to know when to let go, and when it’s important to keep hanging on.  Wisdom to see the child as he is, and give him the amount of responsibility and freedom that he can handle, but not so much that could crush him.

Much wisdom is necessary when deciding on your approach to discipline and training in your home.

Much wisdom is necessary when your pre-schooler begins to explore and understand the meaning of truth, and how truth and our view of it impacts our daily life.

Much wisdom is necessary when it’s time for your little one to start school.  How do we set the routine so that it works for the family?  How do we handle the extra workload that comes with school (no matter what method you choose)?

Every area of parenting (or even just being a responsible adult!) requires much wisdom – much more than I have of my own!  And yet, even knowing that I lack wisdom, and knowing that God’s wisdom abounds, I still forget to go to Him ask!  Time and time again, I find myself frustrated because I am trying to handle things without approaching the One Who Knows.  There’s that Laodicean in me again.

On the other hand, when I recognize that self-sufficiency trying to rise up in me again, I love the encouragement I find in James 1:5 put together with Phillipians 4:6-7 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.

Prayer plays such an important role in our relationship with the Lord.  Look at what those two verses offer through prayer! We must obey His command to pray, fervently and persistently thanking Him for His blessing and direction in our lives!  Where would we be without it? And we must be encouraged to pray fervently and persistently for ourselves, our husbands, our children, and the big and small things that make up our day to day lives.  God alone has sufficient grace and perfect strength, God alone can give us peace and wisdom that is more compelling than the muchness of our days.

What would we have if we didn’t have much to describe things?  It is defined as “great in quantity, measure, or degree; to a great extent”.  How often do we use this word without even thinking about it?

Think of…

A delicious restaurant where they pile too much food on the plate;

A last minute touch-down by your favorite football team – so much excitement in the air;

An extravagant hotel where there are thick, luxurious towels, helpful workers, beautiful decorations, so much extravagance!

A new baby is coming – so much excitement!  So much to do!  So much to think about!

Pastor Holcomb said a few weeks ago that, when a couple has a baby, especially their first, their life will change so much that it’s almost incomprehensible – and that’s the truth!

After you have a baby, there is so much more to think about.  And that can be exciting – or exhausting!  As a mom, you think about how to handle things like scheduling, feeding, training, discipline, discipling, schooling, and getting out of the house on time and without spit-up or food on your clothes!  It’s easy to fall into the pattern of listening to “experts”, or getting too many (probably differing) opinions from the people around you.  It can get confusing, and there are times when the “muchness” of being a mother can overwhelm you.

But, be encouraged!  Being overwhelmed is OK!  It’s not easy, but it’s OK!  When we are overwhelmed, we have been given the chance to experience the Lord’s hand in our lives in a very real way.

It’s easy to think that being overwhelmed is bad.  But, according to Revelation 3:17, the opposite of being overwhelmed is being self-sufficient, and the Lord doesn’t look favorably on a self-sufficient attitude. In this passage, the church at Laodicea described themselves as “rich, increased with goods, and having need of nothing” (they had much), yet God describes them as wretched, naked, miserable, poor, and blind!

On the other hand, when we are overwhelmed, this is what the Lord says:

My grace is sufficient for you; for my strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Just think of it!  Perfect strength!  Sufficient grace!  As moms, we tend to carry guilt around like mules carrying the mail.  At least, I do.  And it’s easy to fall into the temptation of thinking that we somehow deserve to feel guilty, that nothing can make up for our weaknesses or outright mistakes.  And yet, with perfect confidence, God tells us simply that His grace is sufficient.  No need to worry. His strength is perfect in weakness.  No need to try to be stronger than we are.

I think one of the most encouraging things about 2 Corinthians 12:9 is that God, in His abounding kindness, doesn’t frighten us by boasting about His grace and strength by saying, “My grace is unimaginable!  My strength is overpowering!”, which would also be true statements.  Instead, He presents His gifts of grace and strength as if He customizes them with each of His beloved children’s specific needs in mind.  Sufficient grace.  Perfect strength. Take a deep breath…and believe it.