Hello, stranger

Wow.  It’s been a long time since I blogged.  There has been a lot that has happened, and I just didn’t feel like writing.  However, at dinner with friends a few days ago, I was reminded how important reflection is in the learning process.  And, as I am in the midst of many learning experiences – learning to walk more closely with God, homeschooling, being a wife, being a mother, being a friend (not necessarily in order of importance).  Therefore, I am going to resurrect the blog, and use it mainly for a place to reflect on what I’m muddling through and trying to learn.  Although, I may write down some memories along the way, too.  Like when Creed asked if it’s called a “concession stand” or a “confession stand”.  Or when Jenna announced that her “birth animal” (you know, like a birth stone) is the turkey, because she was born in November, when Thanksgiving is.  But I digress.

I am reading a book right now that is really challenging my behavioral patterns.  The book is very good, as far as content is concerned, although it is a chore for me to read, because it is so poetic and descriptive.  The author really wants the reader to read slowly and mull the words over, and this is something I’ve always struggled with.  You can ask my mom – she’ll tell you why I didn’t  like “A Tale of Two Cities”.  It was too descriptive.  When I read, I like to just get down to the necessary information, and this book makes you really slow down and find it.  But, it’s good!  I like it, and it’s a good exercise for me.  I lack patience, and this is helping me to work on that (as are the children!).  Plus, it’s teaching me about a life lived in thankfulness.  I feel a bit like I am hacking through a rainforest with a dull machete as I struggle through some of the questions that I have had to ask myself…

For instance, do I truly believe that God gives me enough?  Do I believe He has given me enough time?  Or do I wish I had more?  Do I believe He has given enough grace?  What does my wrestling with perfectionism say about that?  Do I believe that God always does good?  Can I come to Him in thanksgiving even when my flesh begs me to say “This isn’t right!”?  I will reflect on these questions, and work on learning what He has to teach me, and apply change to my behavior, with His help.

Time:  Does He give me enough time?  Surely, He does.  He ordained the days and nights.  There is nothing under the sun that He asks of me that I can’t get done (by His grace and power) in the amount of time He has given me.  Which begs the question, if I feel I don’t have enough time, am I doing more than He has asked me to do?  If the answer to that is yes, then I must ask myself if I have prayed and truly asked, and listened, for His direction concerning what I should do. If the answer is, “I ran out of time!”, then there is obviously a problem.  But, I don’t have to deal with it alone – He’s here, waiting to help me…if I can just remember to run to Him!  Behavior change is tough.

In the book I’m reading, she says that “hurrying is for amateurs”, and that resonates with me.  I don’t want to live my life as an amateur, always reflecting the face of a clock-god, counting down to whatever I’m late for.  As the the author of the book (Ann Voskamp) says, “We are on the edge of eternity…we are gaining time!”.  I want my life to reflect the glory and grace of the God who daily bears my burdens (why does He do this?!), the God who is filled with compassion by an earnest plea for healing, the God who saves, the God who is eternal.

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